


Like Never Before

by officialcastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Bi!Dean, Destiel - Freeform, Dom!Cas, Drug Use, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, I promise, M/M, Porn With Plot, Self-Harm, Smut, Sub!Dean, There Will Be Some, Top!Cas, bottom!Dean, gay!cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-08 14:32:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1944759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/officialcastiel/pseuds/officialcastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What begins as a purely sexual relationship between Castiel, a depressed alcoholic, and Dean, a seemingly tough man who searches out companionship in broken people, ends up as much more when feelings develop. Everything grows complicated, especially with Cas spiraling out of control. In a story where saying goodbye is never the better choice, and in a height of co dependence for the both of them, they must realize that sometimes, love can't come first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dust In The Wind

_**“Sometimes the angels smoke, hiding it with their sleeves, and when the archangel comes, they throw the cigarettes away: that's when you get shooting stars.”** _

_**-Vladimir Nabokov** _

Castiel was not happy that he would have to leave the house today. But then, he never was. Leaving the house meant uncertainty. It was out of control. Life would have been better if he could’ve slowly drank himself to death like he’d originally planned. But no, Gabriel had to go and get him help that he didn’t need. Sure, he never left the house except for AA meetings, and read the same book over and over again while chain smoking, but he was fine. He lived a dreary life, yes, but it was a life. Cas took a long drag off his marlboro red as he read the last words of the chapter.

 

He absentmindedly flicked ash into an ashtray, hardly even flinching when an ember hit his leg. It was as if he was used to pain. He felt it far too often to be normal. Once he’d finished reading the fourth chapter of J.D. Salinger’s eternal classic, Catcher in the Rye, he groaned and got up. While working his way to his bedroom, he tripped over his coffee table that had never really held anything but tea and ash anyway.

 

He fell into his endless piles of useless writings he’d attempted. With a sigh, he pulled himself up. Every muscle in his body told him to go back to bed. To have another drink, then another, and another until he slowly drifted off into oblivion. But then he remembered Gabe’s voice in his head.

 

_Don’t give up, Brother._

 

And so he didn’t. His brother was his main reason for living his pathetic life nowadays. Castiel knew that was sad, but shrugged it off, telling himself that many people depend on their siblings to live.

 

He reluctantly pulled pants from his dresser. They were neither dirty nor clean. They were more just...bland. Much like Castiel was these days, in his opinion. Nevertheless, he put on the pants, and then resisted the urge to throw himself onto his bed. Instead, he lifted his shirt to his nose to see if it smelled bad enough so that he had to change his shirt. Though it certainly didn’t smell good, he decided that it wasn’t bad enough to change. He checked the clock.

 

_Fuck. Gonna be late again._

 

He jogged to his bathroom and looked in the mirror. He had stubble which he definitely found unattractive on himself, but did nothing about it. He ran a hand over his face out of nervous habit, and then shuffled off.

 

It was a short enough walk to St. Mary’s that Cas could smoke a cigarette or two in between his apartment and there, which was really how he considered time should be measured. But it did leave him the consequence of every other self loathing “ex” alcoholic would judge him for hoping to slowly die of lung cancer. It was like a connection alcoholics had, if you smoked, it wasn’t to enjoy it. It was to die.

 

_Slowly and painfully. That’s what you filth deserve._

 

Castiel shook his head, trying to erase those words from his head. Couldn’t think of that. No. Not today.

 

He gave an insecure smile to Saul as he passed him by on his way to the basement, as always trying to push back the memories he had with him. Saul just grinned at him, smile wide as ever.

 

And this was it. He finally got to the church basement for what must’ve been the hundredth time now. A hundred times and he’s still going home to a cupboard full of drinks. Cas poured himself a cup of shitty coffee, grabbed a Hy-Vee cookie and sat down.

 

Castiel wasn’t exactly a coffee person. No, that definitely wasn’t his drink of choice. But whenever he came to AA he would always find himself drinking the same old 50 cent coffee. It was sort of a comfort, that some things would never change.

 

One by one, unkempt people shuffled in and sat in their unassigned seats. Very few people talked to each other or made conversation, most of them just nibbled on stale pastries and waited for the meeting that hadn’t even started yet to end.

 

He looked at the entrance and saw someone new walk in. A man with stubble and piercing green eyes. After Cas received a flirty smile from the stranger, he blushed and looked down. As the green eyed man sat down across the room next to Cas' only sort of friend, Sam, Cas gave his usual nod and smile to Sam.

 

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the meeting began. Ben pounded the table to indicate the meeting starting. “Alright guys, let’s all sit down,” he announced. He flashed a big, seemingly genuine smile. Like he was actually happy to be leading AA. “How about we do the Serenity Prayer now,” he said softly.

 

Everyone stood up and recited the prayer in a drone.

 

**“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”**

 

"Okay everyone, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. A worldwide fellowship of men and women who help each other stay sober. Everything you hear here stays here, and I can't stress that enough. This is a place of support and people who wish to stay sober. If you've had a drink in the last 24 hours then please just listen during the meeting. Now I'm gonna read the Preamble."

 

Every syllable that Cas heard roll off of Ben's tongue made him more bored. After he said the Preamble, everyone relaxed a bit.

 

"Anyway, are there any newcomers who'd like to introduce themselves?" he offered.

 

The man stood up. "Hey everyone, I'm Dean Winchester-"

 

"You don't say your last name, Dean," Sam corrected

 

"Oh...well shit. I'm Dean. And I'm just here at the request of my brother Sammy," he said confidently. Which was something that no one else in this room had.

 

"Alright, cool. Now for those of you who don't know, I'm Ben, and I am an alcoholic. I'll be your group leader today. I am 3, well almost 3 years, clean and uh...yeah. Today we're just going to discuss how we're doing, and any temptations we may have had recently...okay. Okay. Let's start." he sat down.

 

"Is there anyone who'd like to share?" he asked, a bit too optimistically for Cas' taste.

 

A middle aged woman whose name he could never remember raised her hand a moment before talking. "Hi, my name is Julie and I am an alcoholic," she introduced. "I, uh, I felt like drinking this Saturday. My sister called me, and..."

 

_And this started the circle jerk of emotion sharing. Great._

 

Cas hated this bit, where everyone shared their feelings and temptations. Because really it was just delaying the inevitable to when they would drink again. Who were these sad, pathetic fucks kidding? They were just going to fall back into old patterns anyway, and it's useless to explain why you were "going back to the bottle".

 

_Not that anyone would listen to me if I said that. they'd just call me a cynic and say I wasn't strong enough. Hypocrites._

 

A few more people shared, the open ones of the group. Most people just sat there and listened, but not really caring. Because it's not like people really genuinely care about other peoples problems.

 

When it was reaching towards the middle of the group and they had run out of volunteers to share their issues, Ben cleared his throat to get peoples attention after about 30 seconds of awkward, uncomfortable silence. " Okay, would everyone like to go around and introduce themselves? Or...you know, you don't have to..." he said self consciously.

 

An older woman named Fran with a kind smile and a British accent spoke up. "Yes love, I'll start." he gave her a look of relief. " I'm Fran, and I am an alcoholic. " she looked to the person next to her to go on, and he awkwardly continued.

 

"Hi. Uh. Hi. My name is...Chuck and I am an alcoholic. I guess," he said, then sniffled and rubbed his nose. He had red eyes that sort of bulged out of his head, and a beard that Cas wasn’t sure was purposeful or was made out of laziness. It was obvious he’d been drinking.

 

After about 6 more people introducing themselves, they got to Cas. “My name is Castiel, and yeah. I’m an alcoholic,” he said, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible.

 

Soon after that all the names were said and Ben announced that they were going to do some reading and work on the 12 steps.

 

_Oh joy._

 

Castiel couldn’t have cared less about any of this crap. But eventually they were nearing the end of the meeting. After a 30 second uncomfortable silence, Ben stood up and spoke. “Okay, time to wrap this up. In keeping with the 7th tradition, we’ll pass the box around. The money will go to AA expenses like snacks, literature, chips...and so forth.”

 

As the box (that was actually just a cooking pot) was passed around, everyone who could afford to donated a dollar or so. Cas, at the moment, was not one of the people who could afford to. When the “box” was back to Ben, he put it under his chair.

 

“Okay, just a few quick announcements; Next week’s group will be at 6:30 instead of 7:00. Also, a congratulations is in order to Linda and Greg for becoming sponsors. If anyone else with at least 6 months of sobriety would like to be a sponsor, speak up now,” he said. He looked around the room, and after a few beats of silence he continued. “Alright then. There’s a, um, phone list if you need a sponsor, or someone else to talk to between meetings. And finally, thanks to everyone who shared tonight. Now we’ll finish this off with the Serenity Prayer.”

 

**“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”**

 

Cas got up quickly, anxious for a cigarette. It was just then that someone tapped him on the shoulder. Confused, he looked back. It was Dean.

 

“Oh, uh...hi,” Cas said uncomfortably.

 

“Your name’s Castiel, huh? I like it,” he replied with a grin, obviously noticing Cas’ socially awkward personality.

 

Cas just scoffed. “Uh, okay. That’s...good for you I guess,” he said, attempting to end the conversation. He turned to leave.

 

But Dean grabbed his shoulder and Cas turned around.

 

_But just because I was turned around didn’t mean that I had to look at him, right?_

 

Castiel stared at the floor, admiring the wood. “Come out for dinner with me,” Dean said, Cas could tell he was smiling.

 

Cas’ head snapped up. “What? No. I’ve heard that one before. So that way we can fuck and fall in love. Yeah, right. No thanks. Not for me,” he replied, and started to walk away again.

 

Dean started to chase after him. “Dude, it’s not like that,” he called out. Cas looked back. “Just. Let’s go for a walk. Okay? No obligations,” he urged.

 

Cas crossed his arms and sniffed. “Fine."


	2. Play The Game Tonight

Cas rubbed a hand over his face, and Dean just stared at him. Looked right into his eyes. Cas felt the heat rising to his face. “Uh, let’s go,” he suggested, now embarrassed. Nobody looked at him like that. Ever.

 

Cas started to walk off, and a couple seconds later realized that Dean wasn’t following. He cocked his head in confusion and turned around. “I...you invited me on this walk. Why are you…” he trailed off.

 

Dean just smiled. “Don’t overthink things sweetheart.”

 

Cas looked down. “I - um, don’t call me that,” he said decidedly.

 

Dean raised an eyebrow and continued to smile, then raised his hands in mock defense. “Okay. Let’s walk.” He started to walk.

 

It was a moment before Castiel realized what Dean was doing, and jogged a bit to catch up. “Let’s - let’s go to my place. We could have a drink...or something,” he said, then sniffed nervously.

 

Dean stopped walking and looked at him. “Well uh, that’s a slight change from a minute ago,” he said, with a certain tone of worry in his voice for some reason. Cas just shrugged in response. “And...didn’t we just leave an AA meeting?” He continued.

 

Cas swallowed. “I’m not one for sobriety,” he said rather simply.

 

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it. “Okay,” was all he said. And they walked. It only took about a cigarette and a half for them to get back to Castiel’s apartment. It wasn’t a home to him, not really. It was where he kept his possessions, where he poured his heart and soul with his silly little musings and art that he’d tried when he was in “that phase” of getting better. But he still had never called it home.

 

Cas fumbled for the keys, and it was a struggle to turn the key into the lock with his hands shaking. He hadn’t had a drink in a few hours

 

_But hey, at least I’m not drinking alone._

 

He hadn’t decided whether or not to tell Gabe about meeting Dean. Because it seemed like sort of a big deal. He hadn’t had anyone over to his house, not in months. And even then it was just Gabe, telling him he was worried about him and bringing him groceries.

 

_“Seriously Cassie, your place is a mess and the only food you have would be better used for the rats.”_

 

He shook his head, trying not to think about his brother. He turned back to Dean. “So...what do you want to drink?”

 

Dean didn’t respond for a moment, he was looking around Castiel’s shitty, uncleaned apartment. “What? Oh, yeah. Whatever you got. I ain’t picky. Just no girly shit,” he said, still not really stopping looking around.

 

Cas smiled to himself as he searched for his Old North Bend to pour into his least dirty glass. Dean seemed like the whiskey type.

 

It took Cas a good minute to find an okay glass. He usually just drank from the bottle, and was definitely not used to sharing them. "Dean," he called out.

 

"Hm?"

 

"Drink's ready."

 

"Oh, thanks. What is it?" he asked as he took the glass from Castiel's hand.

 

"Shitty whiskey. On the house," he said with a smile.

 

Dean smiled back. “Why thank you, sir,” he said with a goofy grin.

 

Cas looked down, smiling. He didn’t want to drink in front of Dean. Because Dean knew that it wasn’t just a drink to him. And that after he left he would have about a dozen more. Then he looked up seriously. Slowly, he took the drink out of his hand.

 

“What?” Dean questioned. Cas just looked into his eyes.

 

“Do you want to sleep with me?” he asked bluntly.

 

Dean raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Uh, what?”

 

“You know, sex. Do you want to have sex with me? No strings. No...obligations, like you said.” he was growing more confident.

 

Dean swallowed. “Um, yeah. Okay. Sounds...nice.”

 

They stood there a moment, not looking at each other in awkward silence. But then Castiel just walked right up to Dean, more nervous than he let on, tilted his head and kissed him. Their lips locked and Cas trembled. Partly because of the drink he hadn’t had, and partly because the last kiss he’d had was years ago. Unless you count...well, he didn’t count those.

 

Cas could feel Dean’s heart beating. It was beating fast. Cas deepened the kiss, thrusting his tongue into his mouth, digging through his dark hair. He felt Dean stiffen through his jeans, and when Cas put a surprisingly strong and somewhat demanding hand around his waist and pulled him in closer it only got worse. This must’ve been torture for Dean. Those tight jeans must’ve been killing his hardening cock. They continued to share tentative kisses as they worked their way to his bedroom.

 

Dean slowly reached his hand up Castiel’s soft cotton shirt and pushed ever so slightly on his ribs. Cas let out a barely audible moan in response. But it was enough for Dean. Dean continued to press on where his rib cage meets his pec. Cas’ breathing got heavier. He wasn’t going to last very long. How did Dean already know the parts of him that no one else did?

 

Castiel broke the passionate, heavy kiss and took off his shirt with urgency. Dean took his off as quickly as possible too. He looked right at Cas for a moment, and Cas looked back. And for a second there was a look of something, just a hint of something more in their look. Nothing sexual, no desire. But only for a moment. After that Cas gave Dean a look of pure horniness and Dean took the hint. He wasted no time. He kissed Cas slowly, with longing. Their breathing slow, and precise. But that was all about to change.

 

Dean laid Castiel out on his bed, then kissed his neck, then sternum, working his way down. Cas could tell that Dean almost lost it when he got to the v line at the bottom of his slight abs. He unbuttoned his pants, and slowly -

 

_Oh God agonizingly._

 

\- Unzipped his zipper. Cas scooted upwards so Dean could take off his jeans for him, Dean obliged. Castiel pulled his cock out of his boxers and Dean wasted no time. He licked up the shaft of his erection, painfully slowly. It was like pure agony watching his tongue work his way along his dick. Finally -

 

_Fucking finally._

 

\- he put it in his mouth. He sucked achingly slow, knowing somehow that it would make his getting off even better. But at the moment Castiel could think of nothing better than finishing, and didn’t want to wait any longer. He pushed Dean’s head farther down his prick, hoping it would make him go faster. He tongued the slit slowly. It felt so -

 

_Jesus Christ so fucking -_

 

\- good. “Oh fuck,” Cas breathed out. “Fucking, oh my God,” he gasped.

 

He could feel Dean smirk a bit, admiring his work. He took it out of his mouth, and started working his way back up to Castiel’s cracked lips. He kissed him carefully. The kiss seemed to last forever, but it wasn’t long enough for either of them. When it ended, they kept their faces within an inch of each of each other. They were both smiling like idiots. Dean bit his lip and then kissed him again. “You’re…” Dean started, then trailed off. “I have a condom,” he finished. Cas was just enjoying looking into Dean’s eyes so much that he forgot to answer for a beat. Dean poked his side, oddly assuming (and he was right) that Cas would be ticklish there. He laughed a bit.

 

“Sto - stop!” he said, but he was laughing. Dean stopped, but something he couldn’t stop doing was smiling. He kissed Castiel quickly, and then got up and took out his wallet. He pulled out a condom. He took off his jeans and walked back to bed.

 

He laid down next to Cas. “Hey,” Dean said sweetly.

 

Cas rolled his eyes but smiled. “Oh shut the fuck up,” he said, and grabbed the condom from his hand. Castiel kissed him, nibbling a bit at Dean’s bottom lip. He tossed the condom onto his bed stand, and kissed him harder. He broke the kiss, then rolled over and grabbed the lube from under his bed stand. It was vanilla flavored, Cas’ favorite. He put some on his fingers and went back to Dean. He kissed him softly, but it was growing more and more demanding with every kiss.

 

Their tongues met and all of Cas’ senses were heightened. Everything was in a new light. He knew what they were about to do, he’d be a fool not to, and he was actually excited. He hadn’t been excited in the longest time. Forever, it seemed like. Their tongues met and it felt like they were on fire. Castiel could feel Dean’s growing erection through the thin layer of his boxers. He pulled him in tighter and pressed the small of Dean’s back. A moan escaped his lips, and it drove Cas fucking crazy.

 

Cas breathed heavily as their tongues grazed each other, and the hot friction between them was becoming unbearable for him. The texture of Dean’s lips were surprisingly soft, and Cas never wanted to stop kissing him. Cas slowly pulled Dean’s boxers down, and then gingerly stuck his pointer finger up into his entrance. Dean was breathing heavily now, moaning louder and louder as Cas pushed in deeper. Castiel sucked and nibbled at his neck as he fingered him farther, now slowly slipping in his middle finger. “Oh, Cas,” he let out, Cas was proud of himself, that he already knew how to make Dean tick.

 

“Fuck, Cas oh my fucking God, Cas,” he gasped. He moaned in approval as Castiel pushed in a third finger. He was doing it slowly and carefully. He didn’t want to hurt Dean. Once it was clear that he’d been stretched out a bit, he started going faster.

 

He looked up from the artfully placed hickey he’d just given Dean and smiled. “Are you ready?” he asked him.

 

Dean just nodded, eyes closed. Obviously open to what was about to happen. Cas gently pulled out his fingers and sat up. Dean just lied there, waiting. Castiel took a Kleenex from his bed stand and wiped off his hand, then unwrapped the condom and slid it over his hard on. He grabbed the lube and coated his dick with it. When he looked back at the bed he saw Dean, on his hands and knees.

 

Cas grinned, this was going to be fun.

 

He slowly thrusted his cock into Dean, and he groaned with pleasure. His erection was getting unbearable, and he couldn’t help it. He had to go faster.

 

_Hell, he was already stretched out anyway._

 

He pushed in further until his hips were grinding against his ass. “Oh God,” Dean breathed as he reached that perfect place. Cas leaned into him and bit at his ear. “Fuck you’re so hot.”

 

Dean pushed his ass up against him ever so slightly, but it was enough to drive him insane. Castiel breathed out heavily. This might’ve been the best sex he’d ever had. Not that he’d had all that great sex, but still. And fuck if Cas didn’t need it. Need it so bad. It felt so hot and tight around his cock and -

 

_Oh God._

 

Cas couldn’t keep holding out on coming, it was getting agonizing to wait. Dean was too damn hot and it was too damn good. He rubbed his hand along Dean’s shaft, quicker than he normally would, but Dean didn’t seem to mind. And Cas didn’t mind at all, he was getting pleasure from pleasing him. He thought one of the sexiest things was being able to get Dean off.

 

And that was it, they came. And they were connected because they came at the same time. This couldn’t be over so soon though. He needed Dean, needed, desperately, to be in his arms, to be held by him.

 

He laid down next to Dean and looked at him. Dean smiled at Cas. “Well that was…” Dean started. “Fuck, baby that was great.”

 

Castiel smiled. “What d’you say? No strings attached. Doing this, with you. For...as long as we can,” he suggested.

 

Dean grinned. “I think I could live with that,” he said, then pulled him into a kiss.


	3. What's On My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't posted in a while! i'll try to be posting more often from now on but it might be tough what with my classes coming up and all

Soon after Dean left Castiel started drinking again. Whiskey, because it reminded him of Dean. He drank and drank as he read Catcher in the Rye. He had given Dean his number and was worried he wouldn’t call. It was stupid really, and he’d go so far as to say a rather adolescent problem to have. Being worried that a guy wouldn’t call him. Even though he didn’t like him, he just wanted someone to want him.

 

_“When you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.”_

 

He’d circled that line in red on one day he particularly felt like dying, and now every time he read it it hurt. He wished to everything that he could use something, anything to get rid of it because it just made him feel so damn useless and he didn’t even know why.

 

He gulped down Bird Dog whiskey. Blackberry flavored. It tasted awful, and cheap. But then, he couldn’t afford that classy shit. He drank for a solid 6 or 7 seconds until his phone rang. He coughed and made a face before he answered the phone.

 

“Hello?” he asked, an almost unbearable bitter taste in his mouth.

 

“Hey bro,” a voice with what Cas could tell was a smile across his face.

 

“Gabe,” he replied with a returned smile.

 

“How’re you?”

 

Castiel adjusted himself to get more comfortable. “I’m fine,” he said, putting down the whiskey as slowly as possible so Gabe couldn’t hear the clink of the bottle. “I just got back from AA a couple hours ago. Met a friend. Sort of.”

 

“Sort of?”

 

Cas ran a hand over his face. “Well, we kinda slept together,” he said, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible but failing horribly.

 

There was a beat. “Well shit. Don’t get too...emotionally involved. Okay?”

 

Cas rolled his eyes even though he knew he couldn’t see him. “I won’t. We’re not even together. It was just...it was nothing. Like a friends with benefits thing,” he said uncomfortably.

 

There was a few seconds of silence. “Okay. Okay. Why don’t we have dinner tonight?”

 

“It’s uh,” he looked at his phone “8:13,” Cas replied.

 

“I know, I know. I just haven’t seen you in like a month. I’ll bring Chinese?”

 

Castiel sighed, but he was smiling. “Fine. See you soon.”

 

“Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I get it,” he said and hung up.

 

Cas smiled at his phone, amazed at how his affection for his brother never ends. Then a realization came to him. “Shit,” he muttered to himself, then got up and quickly hid all the drinks he’d gotten out. He stashed them under his bed, went back into the living room to get Catcher in the Rye, then sat down on his surprisingly comfortable couch that he got at Good Will.

 

About an hour later he came. By then he’d lost interest in having food. He heard a knock at the door and got up and opened it. “Cassie,” Gabe greeted, smiling, then pulled him into a hug. “How’s my favorite brother doin’?” he said after he pulled away, and started walking in. He set the bag of Chinese food down on Cas’ stained coffee table over a few ashtrays and papers with scrawled writing on them.

 

“Fine. Still fine, just been reading.”

 

Gabriel laughed softly. “Hm, let me guess. 20 questions. Is it...by J.D. Salinger?” Cas rolled his eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes. Is the main character named, uh. God, this is gonna be a hard one. Is it Holden?” Cas opened his mouth to speak but Gabe interrupted him. “Ah ah, no hints. Is the book called Catcher in the Rye?”

 

Cas sighed. “Shut up Gabe,” he grumbled.

 

Gabriel chuckled. “Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. I hope I remembered correctly that you eat vegetable lo mein and hot and sour soup?”

 

Cas nodded. “Yeah, and you eat...fuck I don’t remember.”

 

Gabe smiled. “Sesame chicken, egg drop soup and steamed rice. I know, what a fatass,” he replied with a grin.

 

Cas rolled his eyes but was smiling. “Yeah, huge. But enough about Salinger and Chinese food. How’re you?”

 

Gabe picked up his food and wooden chopsticks and took a bite. “I’m okay,” he said with his mouth full. He swallowed. “You know, wine, women, song.” he looked up to see Cas with a raised eyebrow. “Okay, so money’s been a bit tight. I interviewed for a job last week...in the...janitorial department.” Cas looked at him, surprised. “I know, I know. But bartending is _not_ all it’s cracked up to be. Besides, you know I hated getting hit on by those guys. I seriously needed a career change.”

 

Cas shrugged. “I guess. Not that I would mind being hit on by guys,” he said with a laugh.

 

Gabriel punched him lightly with a smile on his face. “Yeah, I know you wouldn’t. But it was getting old. And you know I like kids. I’ll get to see ‘em. I mean, assuming that I won’t be like the janitor in the Breakfast Club.”

 

Cas laughed shortly. “Yeah let’s hope.” there was a beat.

 

“Have you talked to Anna at all?” Gabriel asked out of nowhere.

 

Cas gulped, nervous all of the sudden. “Well that was blunt.” he swallowed. Gabe looked very serious. “No, I haven’t. Why?”

 

Gabe sighed and looked down slowly. “Uh...she’s looking for you. She wanted your number but I didn’t think you wanted to talk to her so…” he paused. “But I wanted to ask you, to be sure,” he said purposefully.

 

Cas sighed and looked away, then back at Gabe. “I...okay. Give her my number,” he agreed reluctantly. He licked his lips nervously. Gabriel nodded.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Yeah.” There was a silence. “How is she?” Castiel asked, voice rich with worry.

 

Gabe swallowed. “She’s...not great. She just got out of the hospital.”

 

“I didn’t know you were talking to her again.” Cas replied slowly.

 

“She got my number from Mom. She wanted to apologize. She’s looking for Dad, but…” he trailed off.

 

Cas sniffed. “I’ve been doing the same.”

 

Gabriel scoffed. “Yeah and how’s the search for Daddy going? Let me guess. Awful.”

 

Castiel looked down. “I know. I just...I thought...nevermind. It’s unintelligent and...I don’t know,” he said, growing more insecure, kind of wishing that he hadn’t told him.

 

Gabe sighed and Cas could tell that he felt bad. “I’m sorry. It’s just...he’s a fucking deadbeat. You don’t need to know him. Mom worked so hard to raise us and it’s - it’s disrespectful to her to go after him like that.”

 

“Come on, Gabe I already feel bad enough,” Cas replied tiredly.

 

Gabriel looked away. “I know I know. But come on, eat your food,” he said, tapping the coffee table.

 

Cas smiled sadly. “Yeah. I’m hungry,” he lied. He felt nauseous, but he knew Gabe could barely pay for the food he ordered him. He took the food from the table, picked up the chopsticks and took a bite of the lo mein.

 

He ate more than he wanted as Gabriel talked about the ups and downs of his week. Cas smoked cigarettes, ignoring Gabe’s looks of disapproval and smiling wryly when he chastised him for smoking because they were “addictive”. They talked until the blur of the night became the blur of the morning, and laughed with each other despite the tension from when they spoke of their father. Eventually though, they said goodnight and went their separate ways. Castiel didn’t drink that night, not at all.


	4. Away From You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! just to let you know that i might stop posting here for a while, because i got an idea for a new story. i'll probably end up coming back to this but i'm not 100%. comment if you would like me to continue working on this regularly, because i'm considering dropping this fic

The next day Cas was woken up around noon by the sound of his phone ringing. “Shit,” he mumbled to himself as he picked up his phone.

 

_No caller I.D. Fuck._

 

He figured he knew who this was and his stomach tied in knots. “Hello?” he managed.

 

“Hello Cas,” a soft female voice greeted. Castiel gulped.

 

“Uh. Who is this?” he asked, even though he already know.

 

“It’s Anna, dear.”

 

He gulped. “Oh, um...hey. Don’t call me that, Anna.”

 

“Oh. Sorry.” was all she said.

 

There was a moment of quiet. “Did you want something?” he asked, sounding more fed up than he intended.

 

“Sorry, yeah. I um...I just wanted to apologize. For everything. I’m so sorry Castiel I never meant...but it happened. It all happened and I’m sorry.”

 

“Oh really. Sorry for what? Exactly.”

 

“Oh come on Cas don’t make me say it.” she waited for his response and when she got none she continued. “Okay. I’m sorry for...for siding with Mom on that, that thing. You know…”

 

“Oh no, I don’t. What did you side on Mom with?”

 

“Castiel stop. You know,” she said forcefully.

 

“Say it Anna. You need to say what you’re sorry for or else it doesn’t mean shit.”

 

“Okay fine.” she sighed. “On you being...gay,” she said, as if the very word offended her. As if it was a dirty word and just saying it would make her be damned. “Anyway,” she continued “For that. We turned our backs on you and that wasn’t right. Mom and I said...some awful things and I’m just - I’m sorry. I know I should’ve been a better little sister and I should’ve been looking up to you but I just - I couldn’t. And I’m sorry. It’s not your fault that you...live the way you do. And I’m willing to look past your...lifestyle to get together for coffee, or lunch or something. Maybe start to reconnect?” she finished talking sloppily. It was obvious that speech was rehearsed, but it still sounded messy.

 

A beat passed. “Why now, Anna? Why are you doing this now?”

 

There was another small silence that Cas thought was because she was considering telling the truth. “Okay honestly?”

 

“Honestly,” Castiel replied quickly, eager to know why, although he knew he might not like the answer.

 

“Okay. I just got out of this hospital -”

 

“Why were you in the hospital?”

 

She sighed. “Because I was...I was hearing things. Angels. They were talking to me. Telling me things. Things they shouldn’t. I thought...I thought the apocalypse was coming. That the devil was coming to Earth. I was scared and - okay that doesn’t matter. The point is, I’m on a lot of good, really good medications and I’m feeling better. Marv helped me see that I need to be more forgiving of sins.”

 

There was a moment of quietness. “Who the hell is Marv?”

 

She sighed again. “Metatron. He’s dating mom. He’s sort of like...the new Dad. Or at least he tries to be. He writes books. Maybe you heard of him. He wrote “the Word of God trilogy?” “Leviathan”? “Demon”? “Angel”?”

 

Cas shook his head, then realized that she couldn’t see him. “Uh I don’t think so, no,” he admitted.

 

“Oh. Well, he’s good. He told me that I should make amends with everyone that I’ve, well basically have problems with. So, a lot of people. I wanted to start with family.”

 

Cas nodded, again forgetting that she couldn’t see him. “Well yeah, apology accepted. I guess,” he reluctantly replied. “Let’s go get coffee sometime,” he suggested.

 

“Yeah, I’d like that. Call me.”

 

“Okay. Bye.”

 

“See you later, Castiel,” she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. Anna hung up a second later, and Cas couldn’t say that he was sad to stop talking to her. He could never completely forgive her, not really.

 

_“Get out of my house, Castiel.” his mother said seriously._

_“Mom -” he protested_

_“Castiel this is serious. This is blasphemy.” Anna interrupted._

_“Anna stop. It’s who I am.”_

_“No. It’s not,” his mother started. “You’re my son. And my son is not a homosexual. No, not the way I raised him,” she insisted._

_Castiel was almost crying by now. But he had to stay strong. Had to. “Why are you trying to make me feel like I wanna die?”_

_“You should. Slowly and painfully. That’s what you filth deserve,” Anna interjected._

_“Anna stop,” their mother scolded. She pursed her lips. “I’m sorry Castiel but you need to leave this house.”_

 

Just thinking of this brought tears to Cas’ eyes. He looked at his phone and scrolled through his contacts.

 

April

Balthazar

Bartholomew

Gabriel

Hester

Meg

Rachel

Richard

Samandriel

Saul

 

Cas was a bit ashamed that he only had 10 numbers in his phone. Now 11. He added Anna to his contacts. He looked through his contacts again and stopped at Balthazar. He texted him.

 

**12:24 PM**

**Cas: Hello. Do you want to hang out today?**

**12:57**

**Balthazar: Hello love, I’d be glad to. When would you like to get together?**

**12:59**

**Cas: I’m free all day**

**1:12**

**Balthazar: Champagne at my place. 130?**

**1:14**

**Cas: Sounds good. On my way.**

 

Castiel smiled to himself, grabbed his cigarettes then got up. He started to walk to Balthazar’s house.


	5. No One Together

Cas got to Balthazar’s house in relatively good time, and only a few minutes late. He hated being late, but on account of him being an alcoholic who had no concept of time, that usually meant being at least a little late. He only had to knock once before the door opened. “Hello darling. How  are you?” he said, hugging him and kissing him once on both cheek.

 

Cas smiled. “I’m okay. Just been...not doing much, I guess. Drink?”

 

Balthazar nodded, “Of course dear,” he said as he went to his kitchen and grabbed champagne and two glasses. He sat back down next to Castiel, holding a classy looking bottle. “I hope you like it. I - uh, I got it last night. It is, if I may say, worth much more than it costs. I do love it. Vranken Brut. Classy, right? That’s what I thought too. If I might hazard a guess, I’d say you’re not too used to classy drinks,” he babbled on with his charming smile.

 

Cas laughed quietly. “Not really, no. But then, you shouldn’t be either. You direct at the theater, and as much as I love you Balthazar, that does not pay well enough for your elaborate spending.”

 

Balthazar waved his hand dismissively. “Hush. I work another job too.”

 

Castiel rolled his eyes. “You sell men’s shoes at Macy’s.”

 

Balthazar sighed then poured himself some champagne into an expensive looking glass. He drank all of it in one gulp, then poured himself some more champagne. “Irrelevant. I make enough.” Cas eyed him in disbelief. “Oh piss off.”

 

Cas smiled. “Always happy to do so for a friend.” there was a pause. Cas chuckled. “It will never cease to amazing how much money you’ll spend on stupid things.”

 

Balthazar pretended to look offended. “Excuse me but this champagne is not stupid. And I don’t spend near as much as you do on alcohol, Darling.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes. “But I buy the quality cheap booze. That shit’s respectable. And that’s not  all  I spend my money on,” he protested.

 

Balthazar scoffed. “I don’t think your argument is sound because the other thing you buy is cigarettes.”

 

“Hey. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.” He replied with a grin.

 

“Oh I’ve tried it. Not  quite my thing. Cloves are good, I’ll admit. But the things you smoke…oh God it tastes awful. You can  taste  everything you wish you couldn’t.”

 

“Shut up and let’s drink.”

Balthazar eyed him sadly. “Sweetie the right way to drink champagne is slowly. Slow down, okay?” Castiel rolled his eyes and chugged his champagne. “You know, it’s supposed to taste like stars. Beautiful, isn’t it?” Cas looked at him, confused. “The champagne, Doll. They say that good champagne feels like you are tasting the stars. I think it’s beautiful.”

 

“You think everything’s beautiful,” Cas said scornfully.

 

Balthazar could’ve done many things at this moment, Cas had realized. But what he chose came to define him in Castiel’s mind. “Castiel, as Confucius said; ‘everything has beauty, but not everyone can see it.’ And that includes you, Darling. I can see your beauty. It pains me that you can’t. In my mind actually, very few things are beautiful. A good bottle of Chardonnay or Chianti is beautiful. The stars at night, they are beautiful. And you. You, my love, are beautiful. Never forget that.”

 

Castiel wanted to love him with his full heart, he desperately needed to but he couldn’t. He wasn’t in love with him but he needed him. He knew they would never be anything more. He wanted to want to drown in his blue eyes and connect their lips infinitely. And to feel his stomach do turns when they kissed or when Balthazar pushed slightly on the small of Castiel’s back. But he couldn’t. He didn’t. He had no feelings for him. And he couldn’t just lend his heart out like that. Cas knew what would happen tonight. They would do what Balthazar referred to as “making love” but what Cas referred to as fucking. They would do it slowly, without passion but instead with need. They would kiss each other tenderly then he would cry into the crook of Balthazar’s neck and beg forgiveness. Castiel would make him promise not to mention it again, but also to promise that it would happen again. This cycle was killing him, but it flowed so deeply through him now that to get out of it would be a sin.

 

He didn’t remember how or why this had first happened, probably after a drunken night, but it didn’t seem to matter anymore. Cas knew that he started it, at least, and that Balthazar was too shy to do anything first. He remembered how after they fucked and Balthazar thought Cas had gone to sleep he softly told him he’d waited years for this to happen and that he’d miss him the next morning because he knew that Castiel would leave before he woke up. He told him how he hoped Cas would remember this the next morning and that it was special to him too, even though he knew it wasn’t. And Cas pretended to sleep through all of this, and never mentioned a word of it to him. He didn’t need to.

 

Balthazar leaned in and gently kissed him, putting a hand on his newly shaven face then broke the kiss. “Cas, I want you to know something.”

 

“Don’t. Don’t ruin this, Balthazar. Please.” Their faces were so close that Castiel could feel a tear fall down Balthazar’s cheek. “You know that I do too. But if we say it, it’ll ruin everything. Let’s just have sex and forget about all our problems. Then you can moan to me about your family and work, and I can cry with you. Please.”

He felt another tear go down his cheek, but then Balthazar kissed him again, even softer this time, but quickly. Then he walked to his bedroom, Cas followed. When he walked in, Balthazar was on the bed. Not looking seductive or anything of the sort. He just looked sad. Balthazar glanced at him then slowly started to take his clothes off. He did the same.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Balthazar had fallen asleep after this, and it took Castiel 20 minutes of lying down next to him to leave. He made sure to be quiet, because he knew Balthazar didn’t deserve hearing him go. It hurt Cas how much Balthazar loved him, because he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any of it. But it didn’t matter, not anymore. Because Cas was going to cut him off, he thought as he pulled on his pants. He couldn’t keep doing this to him, it wasn’t fair.

 

Once he had finished getting dressed, he quietly walked out. Tip-toeing to make sure that Balthazar didn’t hear him. He knew that once Balthazar woke up 1 of 2 things would happen. 1.) Balthazar would never mention it again, or talk to Cas until Cas talked to him. Or 2.) Balthazar would call him later, and make half hearted jokes about how he should have been the one to leave because Cas was bad in bed. Both of which, Cas had decided, were depressing as hell. So he chose not to think about it. Chose to push those thoughts away.

 

I need a drink.


	6. All I Wanted

Castiel decided against calling Balthazar to let him know he wasn’t mad at him. He knew it would’ve been the better thing to do, but still didn’t do it. And Balthazar didn’t say a word to him either. Cas knew that he would probably end up talking to him again, but ignored that and drank instead. After that night he drank a lot, even more than he usually did. Lots of the whiskey that he served Dean that night.

But it had been exactly 6 days since Cas had talked to Dean. 6 fucking days. He didn’t know if he was excited to maybe see him or not anymore because there was that whole element of Does He Like Me Was I Good In Bed Is It Appropriate To Touch His Hand In Public Can I Call Him First Would That Be Weird sort of thing. He wondered if Dean was just waiting for Cas to call him, but knew how unlikely that was. He couldn’t help but play over scenarios in his head, both good and bad. Maybe he lost his phone, didn’t pay the bill or dropped it in water. But then again, maybe he just didn’t want to talk to Cas, or have anything to do with him.

That adolescent worry he’d had earlier about a boy not calling him seemed to become more and more apparent as the days went on. He knew he shouldn’t care about Dean calling him, but he did. He really did. He wanted to see him again. But tomorrow was the AA meeting, so maybe he would see him there. He hated thinking about Dean so much.

_Because what’s the big deal, right? We only fucked once and we’re not, like, together. So why does it matter?_

Cas sighed as he thought those words, only more feeding into his worry. He didn’t know why he felt this way about Dean, and had fully intended to stop. But this was becoming harder and harder because all he could think about was slowly slipping his hand down his old jeans and feeling his way under his boxers. Dean slowly stroking his length and laying with him after he came.

_________________

Castiel shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked to St. Marys as the chill bit at his fingertips.

_You know what? When people think of Nevada, they think of a year round desert. Not 32 fucking degrees with wind chill. Because I’m sure as hell that no one told me about Nevada getting cold._

In reality, it wasn’t all that cold. Cas just saw it as freezing for some reason. He had a very low tolerance for the cold. In his head, he was repeating over and over again to “think warm thoughts”, because all he really wanted to do now was smoke a damn cigarette. It had been a few hours since he had one.

He pondered this a minute before deciding that yes, he should smoke one. It would’ve been rude to leave the AA meeting to smoke, and he knew that’d be what he’d have to do. So he pulled a cigarette out of the half filled pack and stood still so he could light it. After failing a few times, he let out an exasperated sigh and stood to the side of the pavement. He put his hands around the flame so the wind wouldn’t blow it away and lit it.

_Inhale. Exhale._

He took a long drag off it and started to walk quicker. Soon enough, he got there. It was a warm familiarity to see the cheap Hy Vee cookies and the shitty coffee. He grabbed a coffee and looked around. The only other people there were Saul and Ben. He was early. Saul walked up to him with a smile as wide as a cheshire cat. “Hello there Castiel,” he said, attempting to sound warm.

“Uh, hi,” Cas replied awkwardly, not hiding his disinterest in talking to him. Then again, he’d never known anyone who genuinely wanted to talk to Saul. Unless they needed money or something else more desperate.

They stood there a moment, Saul staring at Cas creepily and Cas attempting to look away. “So, ever thought about coming back to us?” Saul asked, skipping past the pleasantries.

Cas furrowed his brow with anger. “No.”

Saul looked right into Cas’ eyes. “But Cas, you were so good. Everyone asked about you after you left. And not just the clients.”

“Don’t call me Cas,” he snapped.

Saul raised his hands in mock defense. “Okay. Okay. But we’re legit now. We got a real classy place where we stay. Plus we got some new girls. A little short on guys though.”

Castiel shifted uncomfortably. “It’s not classy, Saul. But anyway it doesn’t matter. I got a job.”

Saul raised an eyebrow, obviously not buying a word of what he was saying. “Oh? Where?” he snorted.

Cas gulped. “Uh, Walgreens.”

Saul was just about to say something when Sam and Dean walked in. Cas felt a twinge of both excitement and sadness. On one hand he was excited because this way he had an excuse to talk to him. But on the other hand, sad because this meant that Dean hadn’t had some accident that prevented him from calling him. And then after thinking that he felt guilty because he was actually disappointed Dean hadn’t had some accident. But being the annoyingly good person Dean was, he instantly noticed Cas and his discomfort and came over to him. “This guy givin’ you any trouble, Cas?”

“Oh so this is the job you meant. New place, I take it?” Saul said with a grin.

Dean looked at Saul, confused. “No. This is my friend Dean.” Castiel replied as he looked up at Dean with an expression of asking for help. When he looked at him he saw that Dean’s cheeks were flushed and this made Cas smile. Dean friggin’ Winchester was blushing? Because of him? Cas would never get used to this.

Dean swallowed then nodded.

Saul looked at both of them in disbelief, then backed off. “Okay. But if you need a real job then Saul’s ready more’n ready for you to come back,” he said and walked off with his arms crossed.

Dean made a face. “Dude. Did he just 3rd person himself?”

Cas nodded. “Yeah. He does that,” he replied with a sigh.

“What a douchebag,” he mused.

Cas sighed. “I know.”

Then Dean turned to him. “Sorry for not calling by the way. I uh, kinda forgot,” he said awkwardly.

“Yeah, right,” Cas scoffed.

Dean looked away. “Yeah. Well, should we sit?” he asked.

Castiel nodded and sat down next to Sam. “Hey,” he greeted with a genuine smile.

“How are you?” Cas replied with a returned smile.

Sam shrugged. “Not bad. But get this, I’m 3 months clean,” he said with a huge grin. Cas smiled back weakly. “So, yeah I am actually pretty good.”

Dean nodded proudly. “Hell yeah Sammy. That’s my brother,” he beamed.

Sam looked down. “Hey shut up,” he replied, but he was smiling.

Cas laughed softly. “Good job Sam,” he said quietly.

Sam nodded. “Thank you.”

More and more people walked in and made mindless boring chatter for a while until Ben pounded the table. “Hey guys. I have a quick announcement before we start.”

Everyone quickly sat down and listened intently to him. “I will be leaving to take care of my mom Lisa for a while. At least 3 months. She’s really depressed right now and I’d like to share when we could get around to me. Okay, now let’s do the Serenity Prayer,” he said sweetly.

**“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”**

They all said the words in a monotone voice and Cas already wanted to leave. Ben looked in a noticeably worse mood which was reasonable, but also off putting because Cas always relied on him to be in a good mood. It was selfish really, but he couldn’t help it. After a moment of silence Ben stood up and started talking. “Alright hi guys, and welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. A worldwide fellowship of women and men who are here to help each other stay sober. Everything you hear here stays here, and that’s a really important rule. This is a place of support and people who wish to stay sober. And at this time I ask if you've had a drink in the last 24 hours then please just listen during the meeting.” he looked over sadly at Chuck who had obviously been drinking again. “Now, do we have any volunteers to read the Preamble?” A woman who Cas had seen before but had never payed attention to raised her hand. “Okay Amanda, I take it you know it?”

She nodded shyly and stood up. “Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” She spoke quietly and with insecurity and Castiel just sort of wanted to give her a hug. It seemed like she’d had a bad day. Almost everyone in the meeting seemed like they were having a bad day though, that was just how it was. Though it was even more depressing today, which made Cas uncomfortable.

Ben nodded and stood up again as soon as she sat down. “Alright, thank you Amanda. Now do we have any newcomers who would like to introduce themselves?” Everyone looked around to see if there was anyone new, but there wasn’t. After a moment of no one saying anything, Ben continued. “Okay, well I think I can tell there’s going to be a lot of sharing today, so how about we all go around and introduce ourselves. Would anyone like to start?”

A man who couldn’t have been more than 22 spoke up. He had caramel colored hair and dark brown eyes that were sunken and red with dark circles under them. He had a voice was much lower than Cas expected. “Hi. My name is Liam and I am an alcoholic,” he said, much too cheerfully for Castiel’s taste.

A middle aged chubby woman with greasy black hair and gas station dark red lipstick sitting next to him spoke next. “I’m Suzie, and I’m an alcoholic,” she said, obviously avoiding eye contact with everyone.

And then it started. These pathetic people went around and said their names. Some sounding more enthusiastic than others, and some obviously more of an intense drinker than others. There it went.

Abigail; a beautiful young girl with curly red hair who seemed to be wasting her life and was obviously on something at the moment. Helen; a woman in her mid thirties who wore her dyed blonde hair with roots showing in a loose bun every time Cas saw her. Laura; a girl who looked about 19 with blue hair that wore way too much dark eyeliner to cover all the bags under her eyes. Leighton; an overweight boy in his twenties who Cas was almost completely sure was only here because his family is making him. Aidan; a cocky blue eyed man in his early thirties with dyed black hair who talked about his ex wife with hatred. Lori; a blonde haired blue eyed thin woman in her forties who wore far too much makeup in an attempt to hide her age. Cory; a short man who wore name brand shoes but raggedy clothes. Gabby; a black woman whose hair was cut short and wore blue colored contacts. Gina; a woman who Cas thought looked like she came out of a movie she was so beautiful, and often doubted whether or not she actually had a drinking problem. And many more, but these were the ones he payed attention to. It was a rather large group that Castiel got used to seeing once a week.

He smiled as they said their names, wondering if they had payed as much attention to him as he had to them. He knew it was unlikely, but still he couldn’t help but wonder. He had kind of zoned out when they got to him so he jumped a bit when Sam tapped his shoulder to tell him to go. “Oh, sorry. I’m Castiel and I am an...alcoholic,” he said slowly. Cas looked to Dean to go and then he nodded and went.

“I’m Dean. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach and frisky men,” he said with a sly grin. Cas felt a surge of jealousy and betrayal as Dean flirted with the rest of the group. Ben cleared his throat.

“Okay, well as interesting as that is this is not a dating site,” Ben said, sounding fed up, which was odd for him.

Dean shrugged. “Sorry. But I’m really just here to support my brother Sam.”

Ben nodded. “Right. So does anyone need to share right away? Because if you don’t then I am in serious need of venting.” he looked around to see if anyone spoke up but no one did. “Okay, yeah. Well basically my mom Lisa has been really depressed lately because she’s been trying to contact my dad who I don’t even know and well...neither does she. I love my mom, but I’ve always wanted to have my dad’s name. I dunno, Braeden-” Cas noticed Dean flinch and widen his eyes after he said his last name. “-Iis a weird last name and I want some sort of connection to him, you know? I don’t know…” he babbled on for a good 10 minutes, no one telling him to stop.

After Ben finished talking about his mother, other people shared. Helen shared about her ex boyfriend asking her out for a drink, Fran talked about her son’s partying getting out of control, but those were the only two stories that Castiel really payed any attention to.

Something was distracting Cas, and it was Dean. Dean was acting really odd and fidgety ever since Ben said his last name. Cas guessed that he knew him, but Ben didn’t seem to recognize him. This was something he wanted desperately to ask him about, but thought better of it later. Cas zoned out after a while, just thinking about Dean and Ben’s possible relationship, and wondering if he and Dean were going to fuck again after the meeting. But at some point the meeting had to end.

Castiel blurred out the rest of the meeting including the announcements at the end. The only reason he knew the meeting was over was because he heard a voice and got a tap on his shoulder.

“Cas,” Dean said a few times before Cas noticed him. “Cas,” he repeated.

“Yeah?”

“I missed you very much and I don’t know if I’m allowed to but I did. I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to go to bed with your t shirt on. I know we can’t be anything but can we just do what we did last week again.”

 


End file.
